H is for Happy

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

I started writing happy list's back in 2013 but wasn't very regular at keeping them updated but one of the things I've learnt over the last few years, is 'the smallest of things make the biggest of differences'. Now I want to try and keep more of a record of the things that make me happy.

The following is a little list of the things that have made me happy during January.

quiet mornings 
film date nights
nutella on rice cakes
writing till my heart is content
rosemary, always
morning cuddles
decluttering my bookshelves
chats with amazing clients
cuddles with evie
re-reading favourites
sweet potato wedges
pictures of the little dude from my bff
when i'm all cried out
open doors
japanese cherry blossom perfume
tassimo cadbury's hot chocolate
short hair
being organised
fluffy dressing gown
subway turkey sub
granny panties
eight full hours sleep

What things have made you feel happy? 

The Weekly Post: Birthday Edition

Sunday, 7 February 2016

I've had such an amazing week!
I turned the big 3-0 this week!

In the world of retail, holidays run Sunday to the following Saturday and my husband always gets my birthday week off so I've spent an amazing week doing lots of fun things with him.

Last Sunday my Mum and Step-Dad came to visit and brought my birthday gifts with them and of course my Mum brought me flowers! They also brought their Vax and Ryan went a little crazy trying to clean the carpets. He also made Nigella's lasagne for lunch which was really nice apart from the egg in it, why is there egg in it? I hate eggs, actually It's not just eggs I don't really like dairy very much at all. Ryan also baked a ginger cake but we didn't get chance to eat it then and gave them half of the cake to take home.

On Monday while the weather was nice I treated Ryan to burgers at the Slug and Lettuce, because a) 50% off food on Mondays, b) I've wanted to go since I saw there was one in Huddersfield and c) it brought back lots of fond memories as we used to go to the one in York when I was at University there. Slug and Lettuce's burgers were really nice and their sweet potato fries were to die for. The service was really good too and we didn't have to wait ages for food even though it was busy and I know this is weird but I really wanted to take home one of their chairs with me! They were so cute and comfy.

On Wednesday I turned the big 3-0! Thanks for the birthday wishes Google. Sadly I wasn't as well as we'd hoped as Ryan had wanted to take me to Betty's in York where he took me for my 21st, my idea of heaven! Instead we went on a little walk round our neighbourhood and popped to Coffee Boy for a light lunch and so I could feed my addiction of their mango smoothies, which are divine! We then went on a slightly longer walk which just made my ovary hurt worse than it already was. Stupid ovary! We came home, relaxed, Skyped my Mum, ate a birthday cupcake, ordered Chinese food and didn't do anything very exciting. I received some amazing presents. My main present from my Mum was the Jane Austen Clothbound Classics and my husband bought me a super shiny silver bangle that he got inscribed with a personal message. I received some really lovely other gifts too but I'm saving them for another post.

The rest of the week was full of rain, wind, ovary pain, eating nutella birthday cake and working, of course.

So I was really pleased on Saturday when our post man knocked on our door with post! I received a belated birthday card from a friend, the book A Grief Observed as a birthday present from one of my brothers-in-law, which I can't wait to read and know it will make me cry and a review book. Then Ryan and I popped into town so I could take a top back and he could get The Scorched Trials as his pick for film date night and some sweets to watch with it. We re-watched The Maze Runner before as Ryan couldn't remember how it ended.

All in all a really good week! I know next week is going to suck as it's lady week and I'm really trying to gear myself up for all the pain and illness it's going to bring but I'm really wishing it would just not happen this month.

Hope you all had a lovely week!

Bare With Me

Sunday, 31 January 2016

Did you know, that I normally really enjoy January? No? That's properly because I don't share that much here.

I like January because it's cold.
I like January because sometimes it snows and I like snow.
I like January because I get to celebrate our anniversary with my guy.
I like January because other people usually don't.
I like January because it's the month before my birthday.
I like January because there's just something about the month I like.

However, I haven't liked this January. But to be honest it's not January's fault. Nope not January's fault at all.

The fault however, is down to my endometriosis. January has been a bad, bad, bad month because of my endo. There has been three continuous days of diarrhoea and two of vomiting. One day I was vomiting every thirty minutes for nearly six hours.

Instead of being able to celebrate our 10 year anniversary this month, I was stuck mainly in the bathroom and in bed and I cried a lot about this. I barely had the energy to open my gifts that Ryan got me, instead he kindly opened them for me and held me while I cried until I couldn't cry any more.

I've lost so much weight. I'm down to a weight I haven't been since I was in my late teens and early twenties.

I have been exhausted, pushed to my limit, and oh so nauseous. At one point this month we really thought I was pregnant. False alarm. My body just wanted to trick me. Evil shit.

I've only been able to leave the house seven times this month.

I keep trying, I keep believing, I keep persevering and I keeping thinking I can do this, I can get through this month. But it's really hit me that this isn't just another month, this month makes it seven whole months of trying to get though and survive and god that's soul destroying.

I just want to stop the pain.
I just want to be able to eat normally.
I just want to stop surviving and start living again.

So please bare with me and try and understand why sometimes there might not be a blog post for days and days and days. It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's just that I'm in agonising pain and am trying to get through the day.

Living with Endometriosis Round 2

Now this is where I have to explain things because I never wrote about them when they happened because I was too busy processing everything that was going on at the time. But I believe sometimes writing things out can give you some clarity and/or perspective. Sometimes writing things out is a good way of getting rid of what ever it is that's clouding you. It doesn't matter if it's the day it happened or months or even years after. I believe it helps, so today I'm writing about living with endometriosis the second time round and what's been going on.

So here goes.

Back in June when we were still living in Hull, I started to get sick, really sick. I was in horrible pain and had awful diarrhoea and vomiting bouts. That would last hours and hours and hours. I went to my Dr but he told me I had a bug, then the next month (July) at the exact same time in my cycle it happened again so I went back to my Dr and he started the ball rolling to see what it was.

In August I had an ultra-sound to see what was going on with my ovaries and I left the room, to my Mum waiting for me, a little bit heartbroken and in shock. You see, my endometriosis had come back and the technician looking at the screen said it looked like my ovaries, womb and intestines were all stuck together aka a great big mess. One ovary was stuck to my womb and the other ovary was stuck to my intestines explaining why I was having awful diarrhoea as my ovary was irritating my intestines so when my period started and I was ovulating I became ill.

Later on in August I saw a specialist who basically told us that my endometriosis had come back for sure. I had an internal exam where he made me bleed, and out of all the year's I've had and been having internal exams I have never bled! He told me I couldn't have any more surgery and that I had to get pregnant ASAP because if I couldn't get pregnant within a year, year and a half tops I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. He told me he would book me in for an MRI and refer me back to my original surgeon to discuss the condition of my fallopian tubes. I left the appointment with my Mum half super excited because we had to have a baby now and half upset because seriously could they stop telling me that the answer was to have a baby because they'd been telling me that since I was nineteen and that is not a cure and also because we still weren't ready for a baby. But I really wanted one.

In September I had the MRI, which was an awful experience because even though I'm not claustrophobic that machine nearly made me. It was so loud and vibrated so much! I just wanted out but was determined to stay and get it done. It was half an hour of pure discomfort for me that's for sure.

I spent ages waiting for the results of my MRI only to get a letter informing me of my next appointment in November. I continued to have bouts of diarrhoea and vomiting either before my period was about to start, during my period or when I was ovulating. I started to cut down the amount of food I ate which helped reduce the amounts of diarrhoea and vomiting I was having and the length of time I was stuck in the bathroom. I went from spending sometimes six to eight hours to four or six hours but I started losing weight at a more rapid rate.

Through all of this I started to notice that every other month I would be much sicker. I thought this may be due to my ovaries taking turns to release an egg and one ovary was clearly much worse than the other one and it was effecting me.

Come November I was ready for some clarity and help. Sadly it didn't work the way I would have liked. I went to the appointment with my Mum and my husband to make sure I didn't forget anything and so they could hear what he said and if they had any questions.

By this point I should say we had been trying to get pregnant since September and had, had no luck.

We were in the cancer clinic at Castle Hill and the appointment was running forty-five minutes late and my left ovary was starting to kill me. The pain was getting to be unbearable and I just wanted answers. My surgeon who we saw seemed more confused that I'd changed my name (that happens when you get married!) than apologetic that he was running so late. He was kind and patient and answered all our questions though.

I could have surgery and he highly thought if I didn't have surgery before we had a baby I would need surgery afterwards, because he believed it was possible that my endometriosis had started attacking/sticking to my intestines and that I properly didn't have IBS and it was my endometriosis but he wouldn't know for sure until I had surgery and he was able to see my intestines. But I had to prepare myself because it could be as simple as scraping off the endometriosis or it could be more serious and I could end up with a colostomy bag.

He did recommend that we try and get pregnant and that the change in hormones would help reduce my endometriosis when I pointed out that we had already been trying for a few months and had been unsuccessful he agreed to put my name down on the waiting list for surgery because a) if you have endometriosis and were unable to get pregnant within six months you would be refereed any way and b) the waiting list was at least four months.

After leaving I was stuck with the conundrum of whether or not to continue trying to get pregnant or to wait until after having the surgery to try again.

As of the end of December we were still trying for a baby and waiting for a surgery letter and still dealing with being ill.

30th Birthday Wishlist

Saturday, 30 January 2016
30th Birthday Wishlist

I always try to compose a birthday wishlist and this year, I've definitely cut it close as it's only 3 days until my birthday.

This year I'm turning 30. Realistically I've asked my family for keepsake presents for my birthday this year, as to me, turning the big three-o is a big deal, and I want to keep those mementos for years to come. So onto my leftover gifts that I'd really like.

Be Brave print. Be Brave is my motto for 2016 and I'd love to have a keepsake of this print to inspire me for, well ever really but especially for this year.

Maggs London The Fair One Make-up bag. First this is such a pretty make-up bag, how could I not want it, second it looks really big so I could get all my favourite lip products in it and third it's by the lovely Hannah.

Pride and Prejudice Full Book Poster. Pride and Prejudice is my favourite book and as I already have two copies of the book I'd love this full book poster. Even though it comes without a frame and I think getting it framed would cost and arm and a leg, it would be oh so worth it <3.

Marc Jacobs Daisy Perfume. I'm sadly lacking in perfume this year and I've loved this sent for forever!

Silver by Mail Sacha Ring. First of all my love of Silver by Mail knows no bounds, my Dad introduced me to this website years and years ago and I always find something I like on there. Two years ago it was their amethyst bracelet which my hubby bought me and I still love. But I've been wanting a curve ring as a thumb ring for years and even better, it's in the sale. So a Size M pretty please!?

A Grief Observed by C.S Lewis. I'm not really sure this needs an explanation but this has been on my wishlist since I lost my Dad. My Dad shared his love of literature with me as not only was he a big reader but he used to be an English teacher too! He used to read me the Chronicles of Narnia as a child and I think A Grief Observed would be a lovely, heartbreaking read.

bareMinerals Get Started Complexion Kit. I love mineral foundation best, and while I normally always buy Lily Lolo I fancied trying something different and I've read great reviews about this kit. However I really can't figure out what shade I am. I think I could be fairly light but I'm not sure. Anyone know how to figure it out?

Chloe Perfume. I've stated my need for perfume already but, and this may be a bit weird, my Mum wears this and I just fell in love with the scent.

Sadness Funko Pop. I forgot to add an image for this, my bad! The first time we watched Inside Out I fell in love with sadness. So I really want a sadness funko pop.

But lovely things aside, the best gift I could get this year would be to be well for my birthday. Fingers crossed!
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